For so long, I took so much pride in my “Xavier Girl” status of the person who can do it all (backwards and in heels… or with baby in carrier and juggling 8 other things…). I have written over and over about how the approval I sought in doing so much has led to a lifelong struggle with perfectionism. So it has been a difficult thing this year to give myself permission to do less

It has been hard pushing pause or completely quitting some activities that have defined my life over the past year. It has given me pause and I’ve genuinely had to ask why I let my identity get so tied to being class parent, to being on the PTSA board, to being a member of a certain group or community. It has been fascinating seeing who still stays in touch when the activity or obligation is no longer a part of our relationship. It has been hard at times, but overall it has felt like growing pains- good and necessary in the long run.

It has also been bewildering how nothing has actually slowed down. I still am not getting as much rest as I probably need. I just have a narrower focus, and the fewer things I’m focusing on are getting deeper attention and commitment. I am trying to eliminate as much decision fatigue as possible. What am I doing on a given day? I’m helping my family, I am focusing on creative work, or I am out in nature taking care of my soul, body, and mind.

I thought “less” would look like ruthlessly decluttering my house when I first picked this focus for the year. Instead it has looked like letting go of the to do lists in this season and just doing what it takes to hang on each week so I have less pressure on myself and can realize the areas where I’m actually doing alright instead of judging why I’m not doing/accomplishing more more more. Less has looked like taking my normal summer break from blogging even though I’m only doing blogging once a month this year, and then giving myself plenty of grace when I took an additional month to help everyone adjust to the school year. It means handing stuff off to my partner and being ok if it doesn’t look like how I would have done it. It means not insisting on date nights on a set timeline, but making the dates that do happen really intentional and memorable. Less means actively limiting my time scrolling and not really caring if I’m behind on my Goodreads goals. Less means quitting all of my affiliate and partnership deals so I truly feel free to write and post what I want when I want (not that I ever showcased things I don’t love and believe in, but it’s ok to just love something and not feel like you have to advertise on their behalf… and in the spirit of less, it’s good to remind myself that I don’t need to try and get you to love all, or any, of the things I love…)

Less still butts up against those perfectionist roots, though. I feel like since I’m writing on here less that suddenly there is this pressure that each post better be spectacular. And that impulse has paralyzed me from writing at all. So even though this isn’t the polished, beautiful post I was hoping for… maybe it will help someone out there find some grace for themselves and it will open a door for one of you to say yes to less, whatever that means in your life right now. For me, it just means that I’m forcing myself back in the habit of sharing what’s on my mind in a more focused and sustained way than the microblogging instagram posts I’ve focused on recently. And it’s not anywhere near perfect, but for me… it feels good. Less pressure. Deeper focus.