I have a confession about this crazy time of COVID19 and social distancing…
And I’m a little worried I might be the only one… I haven’t had any magical epiphanies about what’s really important in life. I’ve learned to count some blessings I always figured were givens. I’ve saved a lot of money on gas (but that money was quickly eaten up by not shopping sales at different grocery stores and getting all things delivered instead of going in person…). But I haven’t felt a sense of relief at an easier schedule (It’s been harder to have no break from being in a small home with the kids), I haven’t learned to bake sourdough and cut hair or re-discovered a foreign language.
Maybe I’m just being a great big grump and refusing to change my perspective… but I LIKED the perspective I had. I already cherished my health (after 9 months of feeling nauseous everyday- you don’t forget right away how wonderful it is not to wake up and feel too sick to move for a while…) Plus, after almost a year away from board and bruschetta nights with my girlfriends, I was ready to get back in that game. I kind of already had my priorities figured out. They haven’t changed. But some were ripped away. And some that always worked in harmony now seem strangely and horrifically opposed or at least impossible to coexist. I value education. I value safety. I value social ties. I value personal responsibility. I value PLANNING and honoring commitments and right now everything changes so fast those last two values especially seem a bit out the window.
So am I the only one who has become more confused and sad about life instead of suddenly feeling relieved by all the things I’m no longer doing? Today was the first day of school and do you know what my son told me? “I was frustrated because I get bored of staring at the screen… but when my teacher asked about how I was feeling I told her I was excited because thats what other people in my class said and I didn’t want to hurt my teacher’s feelings” Any tips for how I roll with that? Because I’ve got gratitude for being safe and healthy and together, but that aside I’ve empathy and shared frustration and sadness.
(PS: I’m not saying nothing good has happened DURING this pandemic. I know a lot of beautiful babies that have been born and sweet moments that have happened while we’ve been at home. I’m just saying the only personally positive thing to happen BECAUSE of the pandemic is the Phoenix Suns winning streak inside the “NBA bubble”)
6 thoughts on “Is It Just Me?”
Definitely not the only one! Everything has gotten so much harder — and I feel like I’m one of the lucky ones! (I still have my job, a safe place to live, none of my loved ones are sick, etc.) Harder both in terms of getting through the days with fewer options, and in terms of trying to deal with extra feelings of loss and frustration.
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YES! I definitely have guilt over how comparatively lucky we are.
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