Bloom where you’re planted… a beautiful phrase I’m going to talk about this post but one I’d also like to amend- because most of the people I know have been transplanted at least once, if not a half dozen times in as many years at some point in their lives. So at the risk of killing the garden metaphor- I’m going to just say bloom where you are. Because maybe you aren’t planted yet. Maybe you’re in a window box or one of those little plastic containers being transported to an eventual garden- that’s ok, bloom and blossom and bring joy right where you are!
This month has flown by and I’ve blogged less than I’d like. Things have come up like travel, illness, and my computer being out of commission due to a blown charger. Things have come up like accepting another show to direct as part of my Director of the Year award from The Bridge Initiative. All that to say that good/bad and between, I blogged less than I’d have liked but I’m proud I still managed to blog as much as I did- I’ve just been busy blooming. And I wanted to be sure to get in this last post before we move into May.
Many of my artist friends were surprised that my husband and I chose to move to Arizona. Arizona has a pretty sad track record when it comes to funding and support for both education and the arts. It was also coming up a lot at the time for some seemingly crazytown bills and news stories. Aside from the fact that I feel miserable during the winter and love the Arizona sunshine, as well as the fact that I have family here, we told our incredulous friends that the lack of support and funding and the insanity- of both perceived and true variations- were exactly why we were moving here. Arizona needs artists. Bloom where you’re planted- you don’t have to go somewhere crazy or exotic to make a difference. You can do it right where you are. You can make someone’s day better right here, right now, with whoever surrounds you and comes in contact with you during your day. Your Community needs you.
As I head into my next year of life, I am going to continue to keep this phrase in mind as I cultivate my garden of friends, family, and community. I want to spread kindness and compassion and thoughtfulness and joy. May’s theme: BLISS. May is my favorite month. May is like a nonstop celebration: my birthday, many family birthdays including that of my son, Mother’s Day (and speaking of mothers, the whole month is known as Mary’s month), graduations, and my anniversary. Lots to bliss out about and I hope to make time to share all about it.
This post is on this month’s theme of BLOOM and on one of the quotes that inspired it:
I know I’ve mentioned in a few posts that I have been trying to build a community closer to home. I wanted to write a post on one of the beautiful communities I already have somewhere else. But it kind of spiraled out from there… This week my family and I went to visit some dear college friends in California. What an incredible time of joy and renewal.
There’s a Bible verse that was really popular at Pepperdine- where I went to undergraduate school at Seaver College. It seemed that every other Bible study or recruitment person or spiritual life advisor I talked to this verse came up. “As Iron sharpens iron so one person sharpens another” Or, to put it in different terms than the Psalms do… it’s the pretty common belief that you tend become like the people you spend the most time with, so choose carefully. Continue reading →
Even though it’s April already (how did that happen?!?!) I wanted to write one more entry geared toward belief as we head toward the triduum of Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and the Easter Vigil. I wanted to share some ways that having a baby has changed the way I’ve started to think about my relationship with God. There are a lot of parent/child comparisons in the Bible, referring to God as a heavenly father and I don’t think I was ever really comfortable with them and never really understood them until I had my own child and felt the immense love I do now,
I can’t contain all the love I feel for this little guy!!!
the willing sacrifices every day with no expectation that my son “deserve” or “earn” them. Continue reading →
Today is the birthday of one of my favorite teachers from high school- Judith Grimes Priebe- affectionately called GP or “Jeep” by some of her students. She passed away in 2010 during my second year of graduate school and the reaction was huge. over a thousand girls organized a Facebook event to share our memories and favorite pieces of wisdom from her. GP taught AP psychology to Xavier seniors. She was instrumental in me choosing Pepperdine over ASU and she had a number of life lessons that I and many many others still think about and hope to pass on to others. When I talk about wanting this to be a year of brilliance, I think of GP and not only of her genius, but of her great light that she let shine for all to see.
So without further delay, a few pearls of wisdom and why I love them:
So, we’re still in the season of Lent. It’s a season of reflection as I wrote about before, but it’s also about repentance- about calling to mind sins and patterns of selfishness, saying sorry, and amending what wrongs we can. I’ve been taking some time out to journal and reflect and pray during this season, and one of the many things I’ve realized is that I say sorry for a lot of things I shouldn’t need to and I don’t say sorry for a lot of things I ought to. That’s because I AM sorry for a lot of things I shouldn’t be, for ridiculous guilt I carry around while I am often complacent or remiss in noticing the things I should be sorry for..
Don Draper has plenty of things to be sorry for, and they don’t include having to use the restroom…
This is by no means a revolutionary idea. There have been several articles and a whole ad campaignon the specific phenomenon of women apologizing like crazy and how we are ingrained the idea that we should take the blame for things. I am definitely caught in this pattern.
Here is a list of things I have caught myself apologizing for just since Lent started: Continue reading →
I didn’t get a chance to write this post Saturday to wrap up the month of “beauty” because I spent most of the day helping one of my closest high school friends get ready for her wedding and then helping her celebrate. .. And that’s kind of perfect because there are few things in life with more concentration of beauty than weddings. Weddings take a lot of crap, and sometimes with some good reasons since the “wedding industry” can certainly be absurd and there are some potentially problematic signals it sends to people whose vocation may not be marriage, but allow me for a second to gush about why I believe weddings are kind of amazing and all sorts of beautiful.
Photo by Millie Holloman
Photo by Leah Vis
I have been to many weddings in the past ten years. (I’ve been IN many weddings in the last ten years…) and I won’t lie, I sometimes wondered, especially when I was in school and taking on debt while not making any money, if the expense of travel and already short supplied time were worth it. Before I experienced my own wedding I wondered if the bride and groom in all the excitement of becoming husband and wife would really even remember who was there. But they do. And you remember if you were there too. I can hands down say that every road trip, terrible plane ride, and penny were worth it to help support the unions of people I love. And I still remember the weddings I didn’t make, and feel good knowing it was unavoidable and not for temporary reasons like money. I remember who was at my wedding.
Who I danced with, moments when I caught their eye during our ceremony and saw their smiles, how it felt to see their hands extended in blessing and prayer. I remember who couldn’t be there and the love they sent and how much I know they wanted to share the day. Continue reading →
One of my favorite parables or well known sermon stories is the idea that our life is like a tapestry. When you work on needlework such as embroidery or making a tapestry or even cross stitch, the working side or the “wrong side” looks like a total mess. You may be able to see some echo of the colors or patterns, but it also has all of the tangles and knots and awkward criss crosses. The parable goes that during our life, we see the working side of the tapestry God’s creating, but He sees the gorgeous picture on the other side. I like it because I like the idea of using a metaphor of what is traditionally women’s work and undervalued to show God’s plan. I like it because it resonates with the nonlinear. I like it because when I think about when I do needlework, one of my favorite parts is looking at the wrong side and seeing the echoes of the right side.
In my first post about Lent, I wrote about how nervous I was to not go in with one set plan of what I was giving up. I’m finding some daily challenges and realizations from being open to this lenten journey. I’m getting a little better at looking at the patches of color instead of desiring a road map… well, I am sometimes. But for today, I wanted to write about those glimpses of the big picture or echoes of the final piece if you will. These aren’t all the moments I’ve had those glimpses, but there are a few big ones, and they are some that make me smile.
How many people are lucky enough to still be crazy for their group of friends from high school?!
*8th Grade- I am in a show with my local theatre troupe. I am having a hard time in middle school (seriously, that’s the one period of my life I don’t think you could pay me enough to relive.) and I am already a proud nerd. I love theatre and reading and anything to do with words. A fellow cast-mate has noted this and asks me if I will come take an admissions test with her for a school she really wants to go to in a few months “since you’re a nerd and all, you probably like tests, right?” We laugh at the idea, but I entertain it. A little voice in my head or maybe my heart keeps telling me to do it. I ask my mom about it. The admissions test is for Xavier- a private Catholic school. I apply; I take the test with my friend; I get in and she does not. After that potentially awkward realization, I end up going to Xavier. My life is changed forever and I make some of the best friends in the world.
Don’ know what I’d do without this beautiful tropical fish.
All this joy from a silly children’s theatre show.
*I am in 10th grade. I am in a theatre troupe (I promise not all my stories start this way!) and the director has asked me to try out for a ridiculous adaptation of Jack and the Beanstalk. I tell him I’m not sure if I’m interested or can fit it into my schedule, what with the absurdly challenging school I’m attending. He asks again, and I give in but tell him I don’t think my parents will want to drive the commute down to the theatre every night. Something in my head or heart keeps telling me to audition anyway. I get cast. I meet another cast-mate who can drive and happens to live about five minutes from my dad’s house. I pester him with questions every night on the drive home and eventually he becomes one of my best friends. I go see him in one of his first college plays and fall in love with the campus and the theatre program. I end up at the same program and I make some of the best friends in the world.
These girls are seriously the best. All that time at the beach wasn’t bad either!
That’s a lot of Pepperdine love in one tiny picture!
*I am a college graduate. I am living in New York City even though everything inside me told me to stay home after I came back to Arizona for Christmas. I am probably the most miserable I have ever been. I am isolated even though I have friends in the city. I am exhausted. I am broke. I am angry and scared. I decide, forget this- I’m running away from the real world. I’m going to become a nun. That familiar little voice inside me is pestering me about how much I want children (and also about how nuns still live in the real world) and I tell it to hush up, I’ll join the BVMs and work with school children. I inquire into joining a convent. I don’t tell my mother as the one thing she made me promise when she agreed to send me to Xavier was that I wouldn’t become a nun and deny her grandchildren. The BVMs let me know that you can’t officially join the sisterhood if you have student loan debt. Since I went to Pepperdine, I anticipate being in debt forever. I’m even more angry. I decide to say FINE GOD, if you won’t let me into a church vocation because student debt then SCREW YOU! I will just go to grad school and take on SO MUCH DEBT IT WILL MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN! (I’m pretty sure God laughed. Seriously, He can take our anger. It hurts us, not him.) I leave the city to go to a graduate school I would never have heard of if a random friend from high school hadn’t Facebook messaged me about the program. I go to the program in spite of many warnings about the foolishness of the cost (and I would probably give those same warnings to my friends and family). In spite of the tuition and working while being a full time student and rehearsing plays, I make some of the best friends in the world.
*It is two days before graduate school starts. I happen to go see a play with one of my soon to be classmates. We start talking and we can’t stop. We can’t stop on the way there, at intermission, on the way home, and most of that night. A little voice inside me says maybe we could keep talking forever. By the time we graduate we still haven’t stopped talking and we share a last name. We still haven’t stopped talking today, even when our son makes us feel so tired we aren’t sure we’re coherent. Through our marriage, I catch glimpses of that beautiful, beautiful tapestry. Some people call that experience a sacrament.
Something else I’ve been doing is longing for community. Because meeting those amazing friends and sharing my journey with them doesn’t make discernment harder. Those other people make it easier. Most of my closest friends don’t live so close geographically. I cherish the community of friends I already have, but I’m hoping to keep building a local community too. The people I share my stories with are one of the most beautiful aspects of my life… and that brings me to one of my favorite worship songs. I don’t have a lot to say about it because I think it speaks for itself, but I hope you’ll take a few moments to listen to it. It was the song we chose to have as a reflection song at our wedding and it’s one of my favorite memories of that day.
Any favorite tapestry glimpses in your life? or favorite parables for God’s plan in your life? I’m loving cultivating this time to reflect and redirect.
***Originally Posted on 2/19/15 This is the last of my old posts crossing over. new content from here on out!***
I went to a great session of my church’s MOMS group last week. The topic was Lent and it left me with a lot to think about. Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. Lent is, perhaps surprisingly, my favorite part of the liturgical year. It has been a time to reflect and pray and make major changes in my daily and spiritual life. I usually go into Lent having a pretty clear idea of what I need to work on the most to draw closer to God, but I was extra appreciative of my church group last week because this year I am at a loss.
My favorite Ash Wednesday meme…
Since becoming a parent, so much has seemed to change and get thrown up in the air. I can feel on top of the world one day and at a total loss the next. The shenanigans questions of “balance” and “having it all” are constantly nagging at my head. I’m a multi-tasker by nature and suddenly I feel like I need to get all that multitasking I used to do done AND take care of my child AND contribute to start saving up for the next big life event. Everything is very full speed ahead and it has left me with very little time or mental space to really sit and contemplate what I need most in my spiritual life.
Luckily, one of our MOMS group facilitators suggested checking out this website and I ended up getting the Lenten journal that website came up with. The journal is called Only One Thing and it seems to be the perfect thing for me right now. The title comes from a passage in Luke about Mary and Martha. Those of you who are not familiar with this story, Martha is a lot like most of us- she is trying to do ALL THE THINGS, especially because Jesus is visiting her and she wants it all to be perfect for him. Her sister, Mary, is sitting at Jesus’ feet, being with him, listening to him, not necessarily doing anything the world would judge as “productive” which of course makes Martha angry. She asks Jesus to tell Mary to help her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things: there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.”
So I’m going to prayerfully work my way through this journal which gives you one word a day to focus on with the day’s readings. The focus of my Lent this year is scary for me because it seems the things I’m supposed to abstain from are over-commitment and guilt. It would be much easier to keep track of giving up chocolate or hot sauce. It’s scary because the world won’t necessarily see or understand these sacrifices as they would with a good natured teasing session when people aren’t eating hamburgers on Fridays. It is scary because odds are good I will fail multiple times over these 40 days, and I REALLY like to succeed. I like being the straight A student. I like being able to check something off my to-do list and those things need to be easily measured. I like having visible, outward indications of my achievements. I am such a Martha.
Trying to break this way of thinking…
I am excited and nervous for what this season will bring. Lent is a beautiful time of reflection and sacrifice and change. I wrote in some comments earlier that perhaps the surprise “B” in my year of Bs is Bravery. It takes a lot of bravery to let go of the plans you have, to be uncertain about what is next, and to trust that God will take care of it and will love you as much through your failures as your successes.
To kick off the theme of the month- beauty, I want to talk about how things that are beautiful are not always pretty. How I Learned to Drive opens tonight and if I haven’t beaten it into this blog enough in the last month, here it goes again: it is a staggeringly beautiful play. There are incredible depictions of the human condition along with a good dose of laughter, wit, and love. That being said, it is a hard play. If you are looking for flashing lights and an airy frothy golden age of musicals happy ending
Roundabout Theatre’s Anything Goes… Dancing Sailors and pretty period costumes…
– you aren’t going to find that pretty stuff. But the beauty is worth it.
Childbirth was a beautiful experience, but everyone in that room can assure you it wasn’t pretty.
One of the things I love about Jesuit theology is the idea of detachment. Detachment can sound like a cold word, but it really just means being “less fixated on the stuff that doesn’t truly matter- like money, possessions, or even technology” This does not mean that there is a carelessness or a lack of responsibility about those things. Budgeting and using tools and being a good care taker of what you have are all wonderful things. But this is how I’ve come to think about detachment, and how having a baby has fast tracked my practice of this spiritual discipline.
Obligatory Pope meme… because Jesuits…
In my own experience, the opposite of detachment tends to be anxiety. When I’m too attached to something, I worry about it so much that I stop enjoying it. Sometimes, the anxiety is understandable- like when we just don’t have the income to meet medical emergencies. But the anxiety is NEVER helpful. Here’s a clear example: We were given a gorgeous pair of crystal champagne flutes for our wedding. They are so beautiful and they are from a dear friend and I know the thought behind it was even more beautiful than the flutes themselves. In her card to us, she said that we should use them to celebrate the everyday, not just special occasions. It took me a while before I could fulfill that. I was so obsessed with how beautiful they were that I was afraid to use them. I worried we might break them either while using them or washing them. It took my husband reminding me of the instructions in the card to ever use them.
Here’s to everyday mercies and miracles!
Another example: About five years ago I had a single, clear, favorite pair of shoes. I didn’t want them to wear out… so I never wore them. DO YOU REALIZE HOW CRAZY THAT SOUNDS?! The point of shoes is to be worn!
(Pictured: My wedding shoes were sparkly and perfect. Photos from Katherine Miles Jones. Not pictured, the shoes I’m referencing. Because I couldn’t find a picture because I would not wear them!)
You would think that with the struggle I was already having with detachment, having a baby come along would only magnify that fear. Babies (and toddlers and children in general) are kind of known for getting into things, making messes, breaking things. But amazingly, it’s been the opposite. For the most part, knowing there’s a good chance that even if I put something away or up high and never use it, odds are that someday my child will break something special has allowed me to enjoy them for however long they last! It’s amazing how much we’ve started using special objects to celebrate the everyday since our child was born. I’m talking pizza on china, drinking out of my favorite coffee cup, wearing clothes that make me happy even though they will probably end up drooled on or spit up on, and yes, using those champagne flutes.
But I’ve changed my attitude towards more than just material things: Let’s give a nonmaterial example that was not mentioned above: plans. I definitely lean toward a type A personality. I was also praised a lot growing up for doing ALL THE THINGS. This was kind of the environment of the schools I went to and programs I was involved in.
I was used to scheduling out every day to the minute sometimes. If someone was late my anxiety levels would go through the roof because it meant my whole day might be thrown off. It was crazymaking (Rather, it IS crazymaking). I still struggle with this tendency sometimes, especially of overcommitting. Or making to-do lists for myself and then feeling they HAVE to get done. Completely. Today. When I am the only one expecting that! It’s important to respect the time of yourself and others. But meeting a friend for coffee should not be a stressful experience., even if they end up 30 minutes late. And sometimes now, with trying to get the baby ready and having unexpected needs to change him last minute or feed him before we go to avoid crying the whole way there etc. etc. I’m the one who ends up late. This used to seem like the end of the world. I would drive like a crazy person to assure I was somewhere on time if not ten minutes early. Now it’s something I do my best to avoid, but in the end… what is all this in light of eternity? I am trying every single day to look at my baby, look how fast he is growing up, and to SLOW MYSELF DOWN.
Trying to make sure that Busy is not one of the words in my year of Bs…
This is not to say that I’ve achieved some zen state of total detachment. NOT EVEN CLOSE. In fact, do you know why I wrote this post? Because we used a really beautiful baby gift for the first time recently, and I found it totally stained with bright orange carrot/squash baby food that I’m wasn’t sure would ever come out. I wanted to cry and tell my husband “this is why we can’t have nice things!” I had a terrible attitude for about 20 minutes as I finished sorting laundry and folding the load that had just come out of the dryer, and then I walked into the next room and found my husband rocking our sleeping baby, just like he did when our son was a newborn.
(Pictured: newborn status. Nothing like sleeping in dad’s arms!)
And I started to laugh at how WONDERFUL our life is and how thankful I was that I didn’t wreck this perfect moment by screaming about a stained baby blanket. God is continually trying to remind us of the things that matter. But sometimes it takes a little practice with detachment to see it.
Many of my artist friends were surprised that my husband and I chose to move to Arizona. Arizona has a pretty sad track record when it comes to funding and support for both education and the arts. It was also coming up a lot at the time for some seemingly crazytown bills and news stories. Aside from the fact that I feel miserable during the winter and love the Arizona sunshine, as well as the fact that I have family here, we told our incredulous friends that the lack of support and funding and the insanity- of both perceived and true variations- were exactly why we were moving here. Arizona needs artists. Bloom where you’re planted- you don’t have to go somewhere crazy or exotic to make a difference. You can do it right w
here you are. You can make someone’s day better right here, right now, with whoever surrounds you and comes in contact with you during your day. Your Community needs you.
There’s a Bible verse that was really popular at Pepperdine- where I went to undergraduate school at Seaver College. It seemed that every other Bible study or recruitment person or spiritual life advisor I talked to this verse came up. “As Iron sharpens iron so one person sharpens another” Or, to put it in different terms than the Psalms do… it’s the pretty common belief that you tend become like the people you spend the most time with, so choose carefully. 
Alphabet Resolutions 